YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
