im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Randomize
