I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
