If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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