then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
