My girlfriend figured out who you are.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
All I want is dick and wine.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
