Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
