I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
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just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
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HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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