Your tits are I can't wait for
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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