Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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