she kept yelling 'call me bella'
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
