Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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