True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
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