I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
