I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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