can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
