saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
