Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
