it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
