if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I faked an abortion last night.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
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