you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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