Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
