Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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