Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
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