The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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