Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I party with great urgency now.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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