Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
