put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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