Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
