you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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