Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
