It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Randomize
