I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
