You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
