My room smells like vodka and shame
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
