I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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