My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Randomize
