very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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