oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
