I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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