I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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