I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
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