Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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