I should be sponsored by Trojan
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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