if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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