You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
