Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
