It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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