perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
