Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
