My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
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Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
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He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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