my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Randomize
