i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
i believe in u and ur pee
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
