my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
